2018

So 2017 will forever be remembered as “the year of change.” I was downsized in January after months of work hostility under an extreme micromanager with a Napoleon complex. I spent 3 months at home. Started my own services business in interior painting. And eventually was hired back to work for a great pulp plant here in the area. After just a few months at the pulp plant, I received a call from a company I’d been trying to get on with for about 8 Years - and surprisingly received the job offer! Now I am really in a position I like and have a lot of flexibility. So while the year started off with heart-ache, self-doubt,, and a significant amount of uncertainty, at its close, the year has been a good one. That said, I’m glad to see 2016 close and am hoping for a more stable, but continually prospering 2018.
At home things are good. Our daughter never ceases to amaze us. She has grown into this beautiful and talented little girl! She amazes me with her intellect, reasoning, and spirit every day. I love being her mom more than anything else in this world.
I have finally made it beyond the half-way point in my master’s program pursuit and will continue to make progress through 2018 with a goal set for May 2019 to complete the program.

Life is good.

Reminding myself - just breathe

it's 4:57am as I sit here at my computer.  I've been up since shortly after 2.... Anxiety at work keeps my chest tight and I've learned over the last months that getting up to complete other tasks is far better than staring at the ceiling for what seems endless hours - or fitful sleep grinding my teeth to where my jaw aches the next day...

so today, this morning, I've studied.  reviewed really.  finals are next week.  I'm both excited and nervous about finals.  it's my first go-round in 9 years - it's hard to even fathom that it's been that long...
This first semester has been challenging.  Graduate school is nothing like undergraduate for me.  While I have always been a working student, juggling a higher job with more responsibility and an asshole director have added one layer of complexity.  Juggling 3 kids has added another.
I actually kind of like those mornings I can't sleep - not because of the anxiety of course, but because I actually have the uninterrupted time to study and I'm awake enough to focus and retain.
I love being a student.  In the work-world, things are often repetitive and or monotonous - there's nothing like scholastic environment to tickle the brain and make it think. 
I hope one day it pays off.  i'm not sure right now how to direct where I want to go, but I'm trying to make logical decisions to get there.... I really want to move more into analysis and project management seeing the analysis through the process to completion.  I love to see an end result and I love new and changing challenges.

for now, I guess I just try to get through the day to day.  survive work, study to excel, play with my daughter, play outside in the dirt and breathe - always remembering just BREATHE. At the end of the day if it all unravels, as long as the sun shines on my skin and the dirt is under my feet then I get to share the day with the people I love.  For the love of breathing.

To Angie Bridell

The world lost a bright light today. Your light.  I have been stunned all day at the news and even now am at such a loss as to what to do with this....

Oh, Sweet Girl, our time together was limited.  I enjoyed working with you at the restaurant so much.  I enjoyed watching you go through classes and study and then to graduate! Oh happy days!  You studied so much and physically worked so hard to make your goal of becoming a police officer!  I was so happy for you and excited, and a little sad to lose you at work, when you made the force.  But I was also so proud of you and so thankful that you, my friend, would be our city's protector.

You were such a spit-fire.  Tough as nails, but with a heart in the right spot.  I knew you would do well in the force, because you care about people - and about stopping what is wrong in the world.  I still giggle when I think about your exit from our restaurant - telling the manager on duty to suck it because you were a cop now...

So you went your way, and I went mine, and our brief intersection was gone.  We were just facebook friends now with the occasional personal message exchange.

I saw you get married.  I saw your beautiful, young happy face marry the man who you loved.  I saw the pictures you posted of your lives together.  I would look and say I know her and I'm so glad she's happy.

And then, all too recently, I saw your posts of sadness, of loss, of darkness.  And my heart ached for you at the loss of your husband.  And I shed tears for your loss in private. And I reached out to you the only way I knew to - with a facebook message to say I'm thinking of you and be tough - that tough girl that I know.  Every time I saw your posts of aching empty heart, I prayed for you and I wished you strength...

Today I see you've left us.  I'm so sorry for your loss, Sweet Woman.  I am sorry I didn't stay closer to you.  I am sorry for the fierce warrior this world lost.  I am sorry for your friends and your family.  I am sorry for your sweet husband who I'm sure would not have wanted this for you.  I will miss you and I will miss seeing your posts of what the future would hold for you....  I will miss knowing you are working the streets and keeping us safe.  The world will miss you because there are not enough like you.  Fly high, Angie.  Rest in Peace. 

When her soul hurts I cry

Approaching age 4, my daughter is amazing in many ways. She's brilliant, athletic, and full of personality. She continues to charm the masses and the way people fall to her continues to surprise me. Adoption is beautiful. Watching this sweet baby become a girl is a gift I treasure literally every day - never forgetting parenting is a privilege not a right and not always easily come by. I pray every night a thank you for the privilege if being this child's mom.

There are times, even at this early age, when my daughter's soul hurts. When she cries in full real tears from a depth of loss that makes me ache. The loss she knows already only because she was gifted to me... She cried tonight, as she does at times, and it rocks me.
'Momma, you make me sad, this not my whole family - my sister too. Don't look at me.'
These words articulated from my tiny girl as she lay in bed beside me, over tired after a long day. A response when I told her - as I do daily - that I love her with all my heart. I don't know what triggered it. She probably doesn't know that - but there it is.
And as she lay sobbing by me while I rubbed her back I just kept saying I love you. Yes, she's part of your family too. I love you.
She said she was mad at me and I said that's okay because I still love you.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts for my tiny girl that's filled with loss and emotion far beyond what she should have at her age. Loss she's had since birth.
I pray for wisdom to guide her and comfort for both if us as we walk this journey of forever with the many crosses we all will carry. I pray she lets me help carry that one.

She doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow we will see her sister. This will give her joy and anxiety - and will add more confused, hurting nights to our lives. God help me to help her, guide her, and love her - to be the mother to her I know you've put me in her life to be. Help me to be kind and strong, supportive and gentle. And to show her Your love. Amen.

Gotcha Day First Anniversary

Wow a year in retrospect. I can't believe it has been a while year!! I didn't blog last year on the day of, maybe I should've forced myself to, but I just couldn't. It was so overwhelming words failed me - they still fail me. The air was sweeter, cleaner, and gravity didn't exist. I think I floated through the day on a cloud. A heavy burden of fear lifted that day and I felt so weightless. There's nothing like the fear you could lose your child; waking up with it every day is exhausting. But a year ago today, that fear went away. We sat in the courtroom, our daughter between us, surrounded by her brothers, our parents and siblings and friends and family. There were over 20 people! We had all been waiting on that glorious day!!  And in that courtroom, we said forever in front of those friends and family. And in that moment life was lighter, our hearts swelled, and the legacy of our family changed forever.

Let me tell you about my daughter. She amazes me. She came home this tiny, sick, 4lb 11oz baby girl. She captured my heart when I met her. She has grown so quickly. I wish she would slow down! Last year she toddled about; today she walks and runs with purpose as little children do. She will always be my sweet, tiny Baby Girl, but she is my little girl now.

I thank God for the daughter he blessed us with. I thank him daily for the privilege of being her mother. I ask for guidance on the road of parenthood. Mostly I ask for His protection and for His love - that it will abound and fill her so that she would truly know that she is the desire of my heart - and His.

A year has gone by since it was forever and my eyes still shine with tears of joy because the desire of my heart lay sleeping in the next room. Thank you, God, for my daughter.

Hard places

It seems we've hit one of those hard places. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Blended families are hard. Work is hard. Parenting teenagers and toddlers is hard. There is nothing easy, light, or carefree right now. What I wouldn't give for that easy going smile that gently moved from the heart to the eyes.

Even in these times where we push through it, I am thankful for my husband, my children, and our home. This week we celebrate the first anniversary of our daughter's forever with us and nothing will rain on that.

Making Easter with My Daughter

My daughter is something else! She delights and intrigues me!

This morning I was up early to get a jump start on Easter preparations for tomorrow. Then came her fast little feet down the hallway. With bright eyes and big smile she said 'Hi, Mommy!' 

She immediately became my little helper. As with anything I do with her I talked through each step as we began making homemade banana nut bread. She peeled the bananas and helped mash them. Each step I told her about the ingredients and I let her add them to the bowl. When we got to the bag of flour I got a surprise. 

I said 'now we add the flour.' She looked at me funny. She peeked in the bag before her. Then very clearly she shook her head and said 'No, Mommy.' She pointed outside. She said, 'Flower. Tree.' Then she shook her head yes at me. 

I laughed and laughed. My little girl is so smart. She listened and she understood. And in her limited vocabulary she told me I was wrong! Flour vs. flower 

She cracks me up!