I pray

People tell me I should pray about what's happening with Baby Girl. It always surprises me. Do they think I don't pray? How would I get through each day? How would she have gotten here at all?

I pray every day. I have been praying for years now. I prayed for a beautiful baby girl for my husband and I to parent together. I prayed specifically for Trinity, the one who would complete us. She would be a beautiful mix of us both with dark wavy hair, bright eyes, big spirit, and his intellect. Trinity never came though I cried out in anguish. I still think God heard me though because he's answered me.
Baby Girl and Baby J, maybe others later, these are my daughters. They are the perfect answer to imperfect prayer. Baby Girl, my first girl, she is more real and more satisfying than anything I envisioned of what 'our child' would be. She is full of life and spirit. I thank God for her continually for she fills the hole in my Mother's heart. She is the answer to many tearful cries. She is beautiful and more perfect than any prayer I made for her.
I still pray. Everyday I pray. I pray thanks for the blessing that she is. I pray for the strength and courage to be her mom, to be her advocate, to be her voice. I pray for her protection. I pray that no matter His plan and the path that is before us that she'll know she was loved even before first sight.
I am human though and while I try to be strong through this, sometimes I am weak, and then I pray, if there is any way please Dear God let her stay. The only answer I hear is 'Be still.' I don't know what comes but I am most certainly praying.

Aching

There was an updated on our Baby Girl's case today.  Of the three prospective relatives there are now only two placement possibilities and of those two only one is moving forward right now.  I know in part that this is good news as the odds dwindle, but I am overwhelmed because it is moving forward even with the one.  I woke in tears, dreaming of our loss...  My heart aches and yet I try to remain hopeful.  I have wanted to be a mom for a long while now.  She is more amazing than anything I ever envisioned.  I no longer wish to be a mom; I am a mom.  I am her mom, forever and ever no matter what, and she is my little girl.  The thought of losing her is far worse than what not being a mom would've been....  It's so easy to be angry to shake my fists and say "Why me?!" But I believe there has to be a Plan. I am ever hopeful that she IS my plan... I hope I have the strength to get through this.  This is a hard road we took and not knowing what's around the next bend is terrifying in my soul.  The next few weeks will bring visitation and court is around the corner in October.

Football Momma

I'm so glad our youngest son is playing football! For many reasons this is great for him! This is the first sport he's ever requested to play, he's making new friends, building confidence, becoming more fit and athletic, and ENJOYING it!! I could go on with the benefits to him, but it suffices that I'm so happy he has found something he likes. Great for him, but I'm happy for another reason too: I always wanted to be a football momma if I had a boy!! I love football! I love the game! I love the atmosphere, I love the uniforms, I love the cheerleaders, I love everything about it! Congrats, C! I'm proud of you for doing this and I'm proud to be a Homewood Patriots football momma! I'll be cheering for #70!

Plans

Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Do you know how many times I've wondered what brought me to this place? If you knew me before 2007, you know there was a time when I had it all planned out. I hit every mark in my education just as planned, I hit the mark with work, I was accepted and enrolled in a top tier law school.
It was all so easy and all planned out. I was methodical in my achievements. It was oh so satisfying too.
Then I met the Love of my Life. I planned him out to be a summer's fun. He helped me move for school and I thought that was the end of it; it was time to focus on the next goal. That man exceeded (and still does) any expectation I ever had of what a partner would be. While our relationship thrived and flourished, my academic career was dwindling. I could have continued, but I learned something about myself: I wanted to be a child advocate and a mom, not work 90 hours a week to be an attorney.
The knowledge that I could no longer plan sent me reeling. In some ways I am a very different person. I am no longer career and academically focused. This was never in my plans.
As Hubby and I grew we decided on house and children and all those things that love plans. We briefly discussed adoption - you know, for after we have 'our children.' Biology is a funny thing. It cannot be planned either. We learned the hard way that it cannot be planned or forced.
We want to parent together. We want the beauty of small children in our home. We begin to research adoption and the many options available. We decide on foster for a number of reasons. Everything falls in to place just like that.
Then we wait. Wait. Wait. Then our daughter comes home. Everything seems perfect. Everything seems meant to be. Then our littlest one arrives, but she's much more complicated. We have brief discussions of what if. Then our tiny one leaves and we are again reeling. The phone call comes that there are threats to our meant to be.
We are waiting. We tried planning. We tried being proactive. All responses are wait.
This is the hardest thing. I am a planner. I am proactive. I am currently completely helpless. I trust there IS a plan and I am waiting on it for my next steps.

Football

I'm a proud football momma these days!  Our youngest boy started practice yesterday!  A linebacker!  He is SO excited!  Since he's not playing with his brother and they're diversifying interests, I think this is really going to be good for him and has the potential to bring out his competitive side.  If you're looking for me at the game, I'll be the one yelling loudest :)  Go Patriots! Go Christian! Hustle, Hustle, Hustle!



Losing Baby J

It's been six days since my littlest girl, Baby J, left us.  It's been six days since I felt whole.  People thought I was crazy for taking two infants, but when you have two infants, you just make it work.  Now with only one, I am painfully aware of our loss day in and day out.  There are so many things I want to share about this and after six days, I still don't know where to begin.

Baby J came to us the Saturday following Easter.  I picked that tiny, fragile person up at the hospital.  Baby J was so very sick and so very fragile.  She would scream in pain sometimes for hours.  I thought her toes would keep her feet curled into balls permanently.  In the beginning it was really hard and I wondered if I'd made a mistake.  There were times I was so tired and I was so frustrated and I felt angry at her, but she was just so sick and pitiful.  As the pain subsided around 6-8 weeks after we got her, her episodes became more intermittent and her personality began to develop. 

Baby J has the sweetest disposition.  She knows and preferred her mommy, this mommy. She would smile and giggle like nothing else.  Her little, soft spirit seems to say "love me please if you will."  And I do.  I love her completely, whole-heartedly.  I miss her like one might miss their arm after a tragic accident. 

Six days later, I still wake up to feed her around 3am.  She's not here for me to feed though.  No more do I get to snuggle that tiny girl who waited for me to put her to bed.  No more do I get to hear the beautiful sound of that little gigglebox.  What I wouldn't give to hold her again.  What I wouldn't give just to have said goodbye.

Like most tragedies, Baby J left us without warning.  Without an inkling, in the stillness she was snatched away.  I don't begrudge her grandparents taking her really, I only begrudge the system for my ill-preparation and the lack of thought that left us with no goodbye.

Alot of people have tried to find words of comfort.  Let me help, there are none.  There are no words to comfort a parent for the loss of their child.  It doesn't matter how that child came to be theirs, it is the same.  It doesn't matter how long that parent was able to parent their child, that love is so strong and unconditional.  You cannot comfort us in this loss, so just listen and try to empathize. Please don't try and belittle it. Please don't try and draw comparisons. Please don't remind me that we signed up for foster care. We lost a child; it is devastating.

Baby J will forever be our girl, though we were only lucky enough to be her parents for her first four months.  I will forever think of her for she has marked me for the rest of my life.  My only comforting thought is that maybe, though she won't remember her first family, that we helped her for the rest of her life; she came to us so very sick but she left us happy and healthy.

It is that last thought that leaves me open to the possibility of doing it again, of the possibility of beign broken-hearted again. Baby J needed us.  She needed a family that would commit to loving her and helping her get well.  Baby J is one of many babies who are unfortunately born with this very same need.  I miss Baby J every hour of every day and I have for the last six days, but I might just do it again...