Losing Baby J

It's been six days since my littlest girl, Baby J, left us.  It's been six days since I felt whole.  People thought I was crazy for taking two infants, but when you have two infants, you just make it work.  Now with only one, I am painfully aware of our loss day in and day out.  There are so many things I want to share about this and after six days, I still don't know where to begin.

Baby J came to us the Saturday following Easter.  I picked that tiny, fragile person up at the hospital.  Baby J was so very sick and so very fragile.  She would scream in pain sometimes for hours.  I thought her toes would keep her feet curled into balls permanently.  In the beginning it was really hard and I wondered if I'd made a mistake.  There were times I was so tired and I was so frustrated and I felt angry at her, but she was just so sick and pitiful.  As the pain subsided around 6-8 weeks after we got her, her episodes became more intermittent and her personality began to develop. 

Baby J has the sweetest disposition.  She knows and preferred her mommy, this mommy. She would smile and giggle like nothing else.  Her little, soft spirit seems to say "love me please if you will."  And I do.  I love her completely, whole-heartedly.  I miss her like one might miss their arm after a tragic accident. 

Six days later, I still wake up to feed her around 3am.  She's not here for me to feed though.  No more do I get to snuggle that tiny girl who waited for me to put her to bed.  No more do I get to hear the beautiful sound of that little gigglebox.  What I wouldn't give to hold her again.  What I wouldn't give just to have said goodbye.

Like most tragedies, Baby J left us without warning.  Without an inkling, in the stillness she was snatched away.  I don't begrudge her grandparents taking her really, I only begrudge the system for my ill-preparation and the lack of thought that left us with no goodbye.

Alot of people have tried to find words of comfort.  Let me help, there are none.  There are no words to comfort a parent for the loss of their child.  It doesn't matter how that child came to be theirs, it is the same.  It doesn't matter how long that parent was able to parent their child, that love is so strong and unconditional.  You cannot comfort us in this loss, so just listen and try to empathize. Please don't try and belittle it. Please don't try and draw comparisons. Please don't remind me that we signed up for foster care. We lost a child; it is devastating.

Baby J will forever be our girl, though we were only lucky enough to be her parents for her first four months.  I will forever think of her for she has marked me for the rest of my life.  My only comforting thought is that maybe, though she won't remember her first family, that we helped her for the rest of her life; she came to us so very sick but she left us happy and healthy.

It is that last thought that leaves me open to the possibility of doing it again, of the possibility of beign broken-hearted again. Baby J needed us.  She needed a family that would commit to loving her and helping her get well.  Baby J is one of many babies who are unfortunately born with this very same need.  I miss Baby J every hour of every day and I have for the last six days, but I might just do it again...



For T

My husband wrote this for our daughter, Baby Girl.  It's heartbreakingly beautiful.  It's all hers and no one can take it away from her.


"She's asleep when he walks in
not a worry in her little heart.

Yet when he leans in to kiss her cheek
those beautiful eyes they open wide.

A special smile she saves just for him
he will hold on to for his too long life.

He picks her up like there's no else
for him there's no one else in this world.

And they spin gently round the room
it's just him and that baby girl.

She giggles in surprise and is held tight against his chest
everything in her life is still so very new.

But you see he now knows how this story goes
knows these days are even more precious and few.

And as she hugs his neck he somehow keeps it in
this time is suddenly just too damn short
so he quietly whispers to her the truth.

I'm gonna dance with you now
Since tomorrow just went away
You won't remember this night
But for me it'll have to stay
You are my little girl
And to me you are the world
So I'm gonna dance with you now
Because tomorrow, well tomorrow
just went away.

In a hundred years no one will care
about a daddy and his baby girl
But in these moments with you in my arms
there's nothing else in this world
And if the older you could look back on me tonight
I'd speak from my soul
that if I can't hold your hand any longer than this
then my dreams for you
will still be there to hold.

So I'm gonna dance with you now
Since tomorrow just went away
You won't remember this night
But for me it'll have to stay
You are my little girl
And to me you are the world
So I'm gonna dance with you now
Because tomorrow, well tomorrow
just went away."

Mantra

Over and over

'Please, Dear God, not my Baby Girl'

Crazy week, Crazy life

I haven't posted since Mother's day, but as you can imagine it's non-stop around here.  There are a number of reasons why I haven't posted of late.  The laundry list of reasons includes but is not limited to:  available time for blogging, drama, and sheer confusion about what to share and what not to.

So, here's the update n what's been happening and what is in the near future.

First, Baby Girl is now over 6-months old!  That beautiful baby makes my heart smile every day!  She weighed in at 18lbs and 3oz at her last check-up and is in the 85percentile.  I'm one proud momma!  She's not able to sit up on her own, but she can maintain the position without falling over for a couple of minutes at a time.  She's also able to get all over the room, but still isn't crawling.  She spins around on her belly and scoots herself by pushing her feet whether she's on her back or front. She's the cutest child I've ever seen and I am so thankful for her in every way.

Baby J is also growing and changing.  We had a really rough start with her. She was so sick and shaky to begin, but this child has come SO far!  She smiles and giggles all the time!  The only times she's really fussy any more are when she's hungry!  Good Lord don't make either of my girls wait on a bottle!  Baby J is nearly 4 months old!  It seems like just yesterday I brought her home from the hospital as a temporary visitor.  She's nearly doubled in weight.  She's just begun scooting on her back by pushing with her feet.  She's reaching and grabbing toys, playing, trying to roll but getting stuck on her side... She's just really hit the fast-forward button in developing and I really don't see much if any of a lag anymore.  Even the pediatrician said she's marveled at how far Baby J has come.  She said she didn't know what I was doing with the babies at home, but to please keep doing it.  That really made me feel good.

Both our boys are registered for our school system pending just a couple more documents and we're very excited about the opportunities that'll be made available to each of them as a result.  Just praying it all pushes through.

Our Oldest son is at band camp this week.  He'd tried out several months ago and chose the French horn.  He's learning Hot Cross Buns, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and a few others this week.  I'm really proud of him and his efforts.

Our Younger son is at McWane Science Camp this week.  He's learning about Forces of Nature.  He seems to be enjoying it and learning.  He begins Football in August and we're all excited about it.  He said he wanted to play so his Mom registered him!  I think he's nervous about it.  He's a born athlete, but he tends to be on the inactive side, so it'll be interesting to see how it plays out.  His newest thing is claiming he thinks he has asthma when he gets winded riding his bike....  Well, football will get him in shape I hope and in a hurry!

For July 4th we did our annual blueberry picking!  It was HOT outside and the berries were more difficult to pick because many had ripened early and already fallen.  We did get 4 gallons though.  Late that afternoon we visited briefly with some old friends where we usually spend the 4th.  We couldn't stay for the fireworks there though because the boys' karate instructor through a huge pool party at our community pool!  It was a great party!  The park beside the pool is also a prime location for watching the fireworks.  It was a win all the way around!

This weekend we leave for our annual family vacation.  This year it's much different given there are now 6 of us (4 children - it often occurs to me we're far outnumbered)!  We're also taking our very first EVER whole week of vacation!  We're taking the children to the beach.  I'm looking forward to seeing how the girls react to the beach.  I think it was a good choice for our diverse age groups :)

Mother's Day 2012

Mother's Day was Sunday.  I have to be honest, I have always thought Mother's Day/Father's Day were silly.  Since I've been working in food service I find them utterly awful.  It seems to me that if most people were nicer to their mother all year long it wouldn't be so bad and restaurants wouldn't be so awful.  As it is, I refer to the as Hallmark Holidays.  The book Waiter's Rant is fantastic for many reasons, but should be read for the chapter on Mother's Day alone.

Those things said, this was my first Mother's Day to have small children in the house.  Several people wished me a Happy first Mother's Day!  While the sentiment was very sweet, and true to an extent, it made me a little sad because it's just further proof that nobody respects a stepmom.  I never see the boys on Mother's Day and until last year had never gotten a phone call from them on Mother's Day.  Maybe next year somebody will tell them they should get me a card.  I'm not their birth mom, but I'm their "mom" too - I give hugs, discipline, do homework, make meals, and cart them to practices... Those are all mom tasks... I love my boys.

Now for my first Mother's Day with the girls, there were some very nice things.  I got a card "signed" by both Baby Girl and Baby J!  Me, the Mother's Day skeptic, cried like a little girl at the scribble. I was given a framed picture of the three of us that reads "Happy Mother's Day! You are our world" and a great polka dotted snuggly blanket.  These came from the girls and my wonderful husband.  My girlfriend, Laura, gave me a gorgeous yellow and purple orchid for Mother's Day.  One of my grandmother's, my dad's stepmom in fact, mailed me a Mother's Day card; she and I have had many conversations about being a stepmom and she always calls me on Mother's Day.  After work I came home to a lovely steak dinner my fella prepared for us and we spent the evening with the girls.  It was a really lovely Sunday afternoon.

Meeting the Birth Mom

Today Baby J had a visit with her birth mom. It's her second visit since she came to our home.  She's growing and changing every day and I can only imagine how much she seems to have changed in the two weeks it's been since her birth mom saw her.  Alot of people have alot of things to say about Baby J's and other birth moms who have made poor decisions that have led to their children's placement in foster care.  It's easy for me to be angry and to judge and say those things too.  It's particularly easy to go there on the bad days as are still very frequent.  I have another view though.
I saw her birth mom that first day at the hospital and even then my heart hurt for her.  Today I was given the opportunity to meet her.  At the end of their visit I was able to go into the room and I shook her hand and we introduced ourselves.  Then she did something I hadn't really expected, she said thank you.  She thanked me for caring for her child.  God gave me the compassion and grace to give her what she needed too.  I assured her that it was our pleasure to enjoy Baby J and that we are only waiting on her to get better.
I've read so many blogs where the bio family isn't kind, that they steal the clothes or formula or whatever that you send for the visit.  Baby J's mom on the other hand sent clothes and a cute bib and socks home for her.  She left the visit with more than she arrived with.
While we walked to my car together her birth mom surprised me again and said, "I didn't know you, but I've been praying for you."  I assured her I've been praying for her too.  I also told her I'd send some pictures for her soon.  I told her that I'd just had her 1mth milestone pictures made and I'd make sure she got one of those as well.  She teared up and thanked me so much for doing that for Baby J.  I hugged her before we left.
I won't say it wasn't awkward, because it was. I will also say that I am so glad I had the opportunity and that she was kind.  I don't know how her mom will really do over the long haul, it's a tough road and I'm not sure I believe people can change.  I do however have a glimmer of hope that this child could be the strength to make her change.  If not, at least we all tried.  At least I can reassure Baby J in the future that her birth mom loves her so very much because I saw it.

Growing up!

It's amazing how fast children grow up. I remember my sweet boys when Hubby and I started dating. They were so small still and so sweet.  We had many a pillow fight at which time it was easy to knock them over with said pillow.  They are both so very big now.  Our oldest is so excited about the end of this school year and beginning Homewood Middle School next year.  We are also very excited for him! I think he will love it and I know it's going to open a new exciting chapter in his life.  I'm so proud of him for trying out and joining the band!  We went with him this week and he tested highest in trumpet and French horn.  He chose the French horn!  So excited of him.

The youngest boy wants to play football!  Hopefully we'll have a Homewood Patriot on our hands soon :)  I'll keep ya posted.  Love those boys!

Baby Girl is now rolling over and trying very hard to sit up.  She loves her Jenny Jump Up! She's growing so fast!

Baby J is now nearly 6 weeks old.  She's put on a good amount of weight and is definitely progressing.
Love those girls!

Love my family!