Sunday, September 16, 2012
Big Sister's Birthday
We celebrated Big Sister's 5th birthday today. We were welcomed by all as 'just part of the family.' Not only did we feel welcome, but they all seemed to enjoy theirselves and actually want to be there! Nobody was rushing for the door. They were enjoying their relationships and family time! What a refreshing family experience; one that I felt blessed to be part of. I am so thankful for many aspects of this journey. I love birthday cake :)
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Fall
I love each season for different reasons. I love autumn for the smells, warm colors, football, chili, and festivals. The cooler weather the last few days has given us a glimpse of what fall will bring.
We have been and are still waiting on a call to tell us if visitation will move forward with Baby Girl's bio relative. I'm praying that no news is good news. I don't really have any other way to look at it. Today we are one month out from our next court date. I love her. I pray.
She is really getting around now. She crawls full speed on all fours, she pulls up on everything, and she's picking up anything and trying to put it in her mouth!
Our oldest wanted me to be the soccer 'team mom.' with everything going on I told him I just didn't know if I could commit to it. Well no one else volunteered and it's a job that must be done. I guess it's official: I'm a soccer mom! My boy is happy and really it wouldn't be me if I wasn't juggling too much haha!
After the football game I came home to finish making pound cake for tomorrow's teacher brunch at the Elementary school. I make THE Best pound cake. It's a recipe I came by last year when we were doing our GPS training and it's phenomenal! I hope the teachers enjoy it!
I love my family.
We have been and are still waiting on a call to tell us if visitation will move forward with Baby Girl's bio relative. I'm praying that no news is good news. I don't really have any other way to look at it. Today we are one month out from our next court date. I love her. I pray.
She is really getting around now. She crawls full speed on all fours, she pulls up on everything, and she's picking up anything and trying to put it in her mouth!
Our oldest wanted me to be the soccer 'team mom.' with everything going on I told him I just didn't know if I could commit to it. Well no one else volunteered and it's a job that must be done. I guess it's official: I'm a soccer mom! My boy is happy and really it wouldn't be me if I wasn't juggling too much haha!
After the football game I came home to finish making pound cake for tomorrow's teacher brunch at the Elementary school. I make THE Best pound cake. It's a recipe I came by last year when we were doing our GPS training and it's phenomenal! I hope the teachers enjoy it!
I love my family.
Friday, August 31, 2012
I pray
People tell me I should pray about what's happening with Baby Girl. It always surprises me. Do they think I don't pray? How would I get through each day? How would she have gotten here at all?
I pray every day. I have been praying for years now. I prayed for a beautiful baby girl for my husband and I to parent together. I prayed specifically for Trinity, the one who would complete us. She would be a beautiful mix of us both with dark wavy hair, bright eyes, big spirit, and his intellect. Trinity never came though I cried out in anguish. I still think God heard me though because he's answered me.
Baby Girl and Baby J, maybe others later, these are my daughters. They are the perfect answer to imperfect prayer. Baby Girl, my first girl, she is more real and more satisfying than anything I envisioned of what 'our child' would be. She is full of life and spirit. I thank God for her continually for she fills the hole in my Mother's heart. She is the answer to many tearful cries. She is beautiful and more perfect than any prayer I made for her.
I still pray. Everyday I pray. I pray thanks for the blessing that she is. I pray for the strength and courage to be her mom, to be her advocate, to be her voice. I pray for her protection. I pray that no matter His plan and the path that is before us that she'll know she was loved even before first sight.
I am human though and while I try to be strong through this, sometimes I am weak, and then I pray, if there is any way please Dear God let her stay. The only answer I hear is 'Be still.' I don't know what comes but I am most certainly praying.
I pray every day. I have been praying for years now. I prayed for a beautiful baby girl for my husband and I to parent together. I prayed specifically for Trinity, the one who would complete us. She would be a beautiful mix of us both with dark wavy hair, bright eyes, big spirit, and his intellect. Trinity never came though I cried out in anguish. I still think God heard me though because he's answered me.
Baby Girl and Baby J, maybe others later, these are my daughters. They are the perfect answer to imperfect prayer. Baby Girl, my first girl, she is more real and more satisfying than anything I envisioned of what 'our child' would be. She is full of life and spirit. I thank God for her continually for she fills the hole in my Mother's heart. She is the answer to many tearful cries. She is beautiful and more perfect than any prayer I made for her.
I still pray. Everyday I pray. I pray thanks for the blessing that she is. I pray for the strength and courage to be her mom, to be her advocate, to be her voice. I pray for her protection. I pray that no matter His plan and the path that is before us that she'll know she was loved even before first sight.
I am human though and while I try to be strong through this, sometimes I am weak, and then I pray, if there is any way please Dear God let her stay. The only answer I hear is 'Be still.' I don't know what comes but I am most certainly praying.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Aching
There was an updated on our Baby Girl's case today. Of the three prospective relatives there are now only two placement possibilities and of those two only one is moving forward right now. I know in part that this is good news as the odds dwindle, but I am overwhelmed because it is moving forward even with the one. I woke in tears, dreaming of our loss... My heart aches and yet I try to remain hopeful. I have wanted to be a mom for a long while now. She is more amazing than anything I ever envisioned. I no longer wish to be a mom; I am a mom. I am her mom, forever and ever no matter what, and she is my little girl. The thought of losing her is far worse than what not being a mom would've been.... It's so easy to be angry to shake my fists and say "Why me?!" But I believe there has to be a Plan. I am ever hopeful that she IS my plan... I hope I have the strength to get through this. This is a hard road we took and not knowing what's around the next bend is terrifying in my soul. The next few weeks will bring visitation and court is around the corner in October.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Football Momma
I'm so glad our youngest son is playing football! For many reasons this is great for him! This is the first sport he's ever requested to play, he's making new friends, building confidence, becoming more fit and athletic, and ENJOYING it!! I could go on with the benefits to him, but it suffices that I'm so happy he has found something he likes. Great for him, but I'm happy for another reason too: I always wanted to be a football momma if I had a boy!! I love football! I love the game! I love the atmosphere, I love the uniforms, I love the cheerleaders, I love everything about it! Congrats, C! I'm proud of you for doing this and I'm proud to be a Homewood Patriots football momma! I'll be cheering for #70!
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Plans
Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Do you know how many times I've wondered what brought me to this place? If you knew me before 2007, you know there was a time when I had it all planned out. I hit every mark in my education just as planned, I hit the mark with work, I was accepted and enrolled in a top tier law school.
It was all so easy and all planned out. I was methodical in my achievements. It was oh so satisfying too.
Then I met the Love of my Life. I planned him out to be a summer's fun. He helped me move for school and I thought that was the end of it; it was time to focus on the next goal. That man exceeded (and still does) any expectation I ever had of what a partner would be. While our relationship thrived and flourished, my academic career was dwindling. I could have continued, but I learned something about myself: I wanted to be a child advocate and a mom, not work 90 hours a week to be an attorney.
The knowledge that I could no longer plan sent me reeling. In some ways I am a very different person. I am no longer career and academically focused. This was never in my plans.
As Hubby and I grew we decided on house and children and all those things that love plans. We briefly discussed adoption - you know, for after we have 'our children.' Biology is a funny thing. It cannot be planned either. We learned the hard way that it cannot be planned or forced.
We want to parent together. We want the beauty of small children in our home. We begin to research adoption and the many options available. We decide on foster for a number of reasons. Everything falls in to place just like that.
Then we wait. Wait. Wait. Then our daughter comes home. Everything seems perfect. Everything seems meant to be. Then our littlest one arrives, but she's much more complicated. We have brief discussions of what if. Then our tiny one leaves and we are again reeling. The phone call comes that there are threats to our meant to be.
We are waiting. We tried planning. We tried being proactive. All responses are wait.
This is the hardest thing. I am a planner. I am proactive. I am currently completely helpless. I trust there IS a plan and I am waiting on it for my next steps.
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.
Do you know how many times I've wondered what brought me to this place? If you knew me before 2007, you know there was a time when I had it all planned out. I hit every mark in my education just as planned, I hit the mark with work, I was accepted and enrolled in a top tier law school.
It was all so easy and all planned out. I was methodical in my achievements. It was oh so satisfying too.
Then I met the Love of my Life. I planned him out to be a summer's fun. He helped me move for school and I thought that was the end of it; it was time to focus on the next goal. That man exceeded (and still does) any expectation I ever had of what a partner would be. While our relationship thrived and flourished, my academic career was dwindling. I could have continued, but I learned something about myself: I wanted to be a child advocate and a mom, not work 90 hours a week to be an attorney.
The knowledge that I could no longer plan sent me reeling. In some ways I am a very different person. I am no longer career and academically focused. This was never in my plans.
As Hubby and I grew we decided on house and children and all those things that love plans. We briefly discussed adoption - you know, for after we have 'our children.' Biology is a funny thing. It cannot be planned either. We learned the hard way that it cannot be planned or forced.
We want to parent together. We want the beauty of small children in our home. We begin to research adoption and the many options available. We decide on foster for a number of reasons. Everything falls in to place just like that.
Then we wait. Wait. Wait. Then our daughter comes home. Everything seems perfect. Everything seems meant to be. Then our littlest one arrives, but she's much more complicated. We have brief discussions of what if. Then our tiny one leaves and we are again reeling. The phone call comes that there are threats to our meant to be.
We are waiting. We tried planning. We tried being proactive. All responses are wait.
This is the hardest thing. I am a planner. I am proactive. I am currently completely helpless. I trust there IS a plan and I am waiting on it for my next steps.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Football
I'm a proud football momma these days! Our youngest boy started practice yesterday! A linebacker! He is SO excited! Since he's not playing with his brother and they're diversifying interests, I think this is really going to be good for him and has the potential to bring out his competitive side. If you're looking for me at the game, I'll be the one yelling loudest :) Go Patriots! Go Christian! Hustle, Hustle, Hustle!
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