When her soul hurts I cry

Approaching age 4, my daughter is amazing in many ways. She's brilliant, athletic, and full of personality. She continues to charm the masses and the way people fall to her continues to surprise me. Adoption is beautiful. Watching this sweet baby become a girl is a gift I treasure literally every day - never forgetting parenting is a privilege not a right and not always easily come by. I pray every night a thank you for the privilege if being this child's mom.

There are times, even at this early age, when my daughter's soul hurts. When she cries in full real tears from a depth of loss that makes me ache. The loss she knows already only because she was gifted to me... She cried tonight, as she does at times, and it rocks me.
'Momma, you make me sad, this not my whole family - my sister too. Don't look at me.'
These words articulated from my tiny girl as she lay in bed beside me, over tired after a long day. A response when I told her - as I do daily - that I love her with all my heart. I don't know what triggered it. She probably doesn't know that - but there it is.
And as she lay sobbing by me while I rubbed her back I just kept saying I love you. Yes, she's part of your family too. I love you.
She said she was mad at me and I said that's okay because I still love you.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts for my tiny girl that's filled with loss and emotion far beyond what she should have at her age. Loss she's had since birth.
I pray for wisdom to guide her and comfort for both if us as we walk this journey of forever with the many crosses we all will carry. I pray she lets me help carry that one.

She doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow we will see her sister. This will give her joy and anxiety - and will add more confused, hurting nights to our lives. God help me to help her, guide her, and love her - to be the mother to her I know you've put me in her life to be. Help me to be kind and strong, supportive and gentle. And to show her Your love. Amen.

Gotcha Day First Anniversary

Wow a year in retrospect. I can't believe it has been a while year!! I didn't blog last year on the day of, maybe I should've forced myself to, but I just couldn't. It was so overwhelming words failed me - they still fail me. The air was sweeter, cleaner, and gravity didn't exist. I think I floated through the day on a cloud. A heavy burden of fear lifted that day and I felt so weightless. There's nothing like the fear you could lose your child; waking up with it every day is exhausting. But a year ago today, that fear went away. We sat in the courtroom, our daughter between us, surrounded by her brothers, our parents and siblings and friends and family. There were over 20 people! We had all been waiting on that glorious day!!  And in that courtroom, we said forever in front of those friends and family. And in that moment life was lighter, our hearts swelled, and the legacy of our family changed forever.

Let me tell you about my daughter. She amazes me. She came home this tiny, sick, 4lb 11oz baby girl. She captured my heart when I met her. She has grown so quickly. I wish she would slow down! Last year she toddled about; today she walks and runs with purpose as little children do. She will always be my sweet, tiny Baby Girl, but she is my little girl now.

I thank God for the daughter he blessed us with. I thank him daily for the privilege of being her mother. I ask for guidance on the road of parenthood. Mostly I ask for His protection and for His love - that it will abound and fill her so that she would truly know that she is the desire of my heart - and His.

A year has gone by since it was forever and my eyes still shine with tears of joy because the desire of my heart lay sleeping in the next room. Thank you, God, for my daughter.

Hard places

It seems we've hit one of those hard places. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Blended families are hard. Work is hard. Parenting teenagers and toddlers is hard. There is nothing easy, light, or carefree right now. What I wouldn't give for that easy going smile that gently moved from the heart to the eyes.

Even in these times where we push through it, I am thankful for my husband, my children, and our home. This week we celebrate the first anniversary of our daughter's forever with us and nothing will rain on that.

Making Easter with My Daughter

My daughter is something else! She delights and intrigues me!

This morning I was up early to get a jump start on Easter preparations for tomorrow. Then came her fast little feet down the hallway. With bright eyes and big smile she said 'Hi, Mommy!' 

She immediately became my little helper. As with anything I do with her I talked through each step as we began making homemade banana nut bread. She peeled the bananas and helped mash them. Each step I told her about the ingredients and I let her add them to the bowl. When we got to the bag of flour I got a surprise. 

I said 'now we add the flour.' She looked at me funny. She peeked in the bag before her. Then very clearly she shook her head and said 'No, Mommy.' She pointed outside. She said, 'Flower. Tree.' Then she shook her head yes at me. 

I laughed and laughed. My little girl is so smart. She listened and she understood. And in her limited vocabulary she told me I was wrong! Flour vs. flower 

She cracks me up!

On the eve of 35

It's been much too long since I made an entry here. So much happened in this last year. So much of it overwhelmed to the point I didn't know how I'd ever write it down - so I just didn't. 

I think the word that summed up the year 2013 is 'daughter'. Chris and I finalized our daughter's adoption in August. Taylor Desiree Pierce. The desire of Mommy's heart. That day will forever be amazing. Tears of joy. Laughter. Peace for the first time in a long time. God's amazing plan.

So 34 has been a good year. A GREAT year really! We have breathed deeply and fully and enjoyed every morsel of life to its fullest. I have played and laughed and watched in wonder at each passing day at her growth, her strength, her intelligence, and her beauty. I have shed a few tears watching her change from my tiny four pound baby into this tall little girl who is fearless and challenging.

I've made personal conquests too. I faced my fear of returning to work in pursuit of more than 'a job.' I've met the challenge. I've impressed my employer. I've been promoted. With each day that goes by I feel more sure of myself and my ability to lead and contribute to the organization.

I've run. I've run races. I've run for fun. I've ran when it was raining. I've ran when it was cold and I've ran in the sweltering heat of an Alabama summer. I've challenged myself. I've faced injury and I'm still in recovery, but I run. I run because I love it. I run because I compete - I compete with myself - and I always win. I am still very proud of my half marathon medal - definitely a prized item for this year - but I also already have sights on adding to what I want to be a collection. 

I've spent time with friends. Never as much as I'd like. Mostly this year has deepened existing relationships instead of adding to the mix. My friends are dear precious people - all broken in some way or another - as an I - and all striving to be better, love deeper, and give more. I am blessed by their friendships.

I have learned some things this year. Some are not pretty things though. Some are about me. Perspective. It's the truth. And it's always changing. Sometimes you can say things - you can be adamant in your conviction - you can be telling the complete truth when perspective and circumstance change. You haven't lied and you haven't changed, but the earth beyond you shifted and everything is different. 

Here's hoping that God's hand is on 35. I am looking forward to learning new things about the world - and some about me. I am looking forward to my next medal. I am looking forward to each and every day with My Baby Girl. My Taylor. And with her dad, the Love of my Life. My Christopher.

 Thank you, God, for this beautiful life I have and all your blessings I receive daily and with each breath.

Entering the final phase of Forever

We're almost there. I can't believe we're almost there! Our Baby Girl is 18months old! There were so many times I cried and my soul hurt and I feared I'd lose my child. It's not over yet, but we're so very close. TPR was completed this month and today I signed some updated paperwork so her file could officially be transferred to the adoption unit! What a breath of air that was! We were already given the okay to contact the attorney so it's all typed up and ready to be filed as soon as the adoption unit sends over some paperwork!  I just can't believe we're finally entering this final phase. I believe with all my heart God's hand has been on this from the beginning. This Momma needed a baby and that precious child needed a Momma. Now I pray for strength and guidance to be the best momma I can be for her. Baby Girl, I love you more than there are stars. 

Ready for forever.

May Days

May is well under way.  It has been full of excitement.  First, there was We Love Homewood Day.  This is the first Saturday of May every year and has become an annual tradition for our entire family to attend.  This year I entered the Homewood Spirit Scamper 5k benefiting the Homewood Marching Band and their upcoming trip to the Rose Bowl next fall.  Matt had planned to do this race too and Christian wanted to do the fun run.  Unfortunately, the weather of late has been unseasonably cool AND there was crazy rain the night before; although it was a rain or shine event, the course flooded and they cancelled the race.  Additionally they had to cancel all the day's park activities held walking distance from our home at Patriot Park.  The light at the end of the tunnel however is that the sky cleared and the city put on the annual parade and street dance.  It was perfect.  I love dancing in the street with my two loves; I love seeing my daughter dance with her daddy anywhere.

The following Saturday, May 11th was the Buck Creek Festival in Helena.  This was my first time to attend the festival though it's been going on for over a decade.  My favorite part was the rubber duck race; there was a dumpster of rubber ducks turned loose in the creek!  I loved seeing Baby Girl play in the creek water, dance by the stage, and in general frolic.

Sunday, May 12th was Mother's Day!  It was wonderful!  I went to church with my mother, then spent the rest of the day with The Loves of My Life!  We had Zoe's chicken salad as a picnic outside the zoo, followed by a wonderful zoo trip!  Baby Girl really gets excited over some of the animals and I love to see her face light up!  We ended this fun day with a trip to Steel City Pops.  This was Baby Girl's second Pops experience; she loves the strawberry!  I had the passion fruit flavor and Hubby had the peanut butter. All were phenomenal! Baby Girl even stole mine away from me so she could have both!  (I couldn't begrudge her; both is my favorite too) LOL

Thursday the 16th was supposed to be Baby Girl's TPR trial.  There was a technicality on timing however and the trial has been postponed until June 4th.  The Judge did here Baby Girl's social worker's testimony on the matter however.  The social worker resigned from DHR and was moving across the country this weekend.  All this transition makes me very uncomfortable, but I am SO thankful that she was able to testify to the details of the case before her departure.  We were able to sit in the court room this time and listen to the deposition.  While I am SO EXCITED to be moving forward to our forever in the case, it was very sad and hard to hear the "facts" of the case.  I wanted to be there in case she ever asks me about it, but I would never want to tell her what was said. 

Today, the 18th, was very busy.  It included Baby Girl shoe shopping, a birthday party, a Sam's shopping trip, and a 3mile run!  I am thoroughly worn out and will be going to sleep very soon.