2018

So 2017 will forever be remembered as “the year of change.” I was downsized in January after months of work hostility under an extreme micromanager with a Napoleon complex. I spent 3 months at home. Started my own services business in interior painting. And eventually was hired back to work for a great pulp plant here in the area. After just a few months at the pulp plant, I received a call from a company I’d been trying to get on with for about 8 Years - and surprisingly received the job offer! Now I am really in a position I like and have a lot of flexibility. So while the year started off with heart-ache, self-doubt,, and a significant amount of uncertainty, at its close, the year has been a good one. That said, I’m glad to see 2016 close and am hoping for a more stable, but continually prospering 2018.
At home things are good. Our daughter never ceases to amaze us. She has grown into this beautiful and talented little girl! She amazes me with her intellect, reasoning, and spirit every day. I love being her mom more than anything else in this world.
I have finally made it beyond the half-way point in my master’s program pursuit and will continue to make progress through 2018 with a goal set for May 2019 to complete the program.

Life is good.

Reminding myself - just breathe

it's 4:57am as I sit here at my computer.  I've been up since shortly after 2.... Anxiety at work keeps my chest tight and I've learned over the last months that getting up to complete other tasks is far better than staring at the ceiling for what seems endless hours - or fitful sleep grinding my teeth to where my jaw aches the next day...

so today, this morning, I've studied.  reviewed really.  finals are next week.  I'm both excited and nervous about finals.  it's my first go-round in 9 years - it's hard to even fathom that it's been that long...
This first semester has been challenging.  Graduate school is nothing like undergraduate for me.  While I have always been a working student, juggling a higher job with more responsibility and an asshole director have added one layer of complexity.  Juggling 3 kids has added another.
I actually kind of like those mornings I can't sleep - not because of the anxiety of course, but because I actually have the uninterrupted time to study and I'm awake enough to focus and retain.
I love being a student.  In the work-world, things are often repetitive and or monotonous - there's nothing like scholastic environment to tickle the brain and make it think. 
I hope one day it pays off.  i'm not sure right now how to direct where I want to go, but I'm trying to make logical decisions to get there.... I really want to move more into analysis and project management seeing the analysis through the process to completion.  I love to see an end result and I love new and changing challenges.

for now, I guess I just try to get through the day to day.  survive work, study to excel, play with my daughter, play outside in the dirt and breathe - always remembering just BREATHE. At the end of the day if it all unravels, as long as the sun shines on my skin and the dirt is under my feet then I get to share the day with the people I love.  For the love of breathing.

To Angie Bridell

The world lost a bright light today. Your light.  I have been stunned all day at the news and even now am at such a loss as to what to do with this....

Oh, Sweet Girl, our time together was limited.  I enjoyed working with you at the restaurant so much.  I enjoyed watching you go through classes and study and then to graduate! Oh happy days!  You studied so much and physically worked so hard to make your goal of becoming a police officer!  I was so happy for you and excited, and a little sad to lose you at work, when you made the force.  But I was also so proud of you and so thankful that you, my friend, would be our city's protector.

You were such a spit-fire.  Tough as nails, but with a heart in the right spot.  I knew you would do well in the force, because you care about people - and about stopping what is wrong in the world.  I still giggle when I think about your exit from our restaurant - telling the manager on duty to suck it because you were a cop now...

So you went your way, and I went mine, and our brief intersection was gone.  We were just facebook friends now with the occasional personal message exchange.

I saw you get married.  I saw your beautiful, young happy face marry the man who you loved.  I saw the pictures you posted of your lives together.  I would look and say I know her and I'm so glad she's happy.

And then, all too recently, I saw your posts of sadness, of loss, of darkness.  And my heart ached for you at the loss of your husband.  And I shed tears for your loss in private. And I reached out to you the only way I knew to - with a facebook message to say I'm thinking of you and be tough - that tough girl that I know.  Every time I saw your posts of aching empty heart, I prayed for you and I wished you strength...

Today I see you've left us.  I'm so sorry for your loss, Sweet Woman.  I am sorry I didn't stay closer to you.  I am sorry for the fierce warrior this world lost.  I am sorry for your friends and your family.  I am sorry for your sweet husband who I'm sure would not have wanted this for you.  I will miss you and I will miss seeing your posts of what the future would hold for you....  I will miss knowing you are working the streets and keeping us safe.  The world will miss you because there are not enough like you.  Fly high, Angie.  Rest in Peace. 

When her soul hurts I cry

Approaching age 4, my daughter is amazing in many ways. She's brilliant, athletic, and full of personality. She continues to charm the masses and the way people fall to her continues to surprise me. Adoption is beautiful. Watching this sweet baby become a girl is a gift I treasure literally every day - never forgetting parenting is a privilege not a right and not always easily come by. I pray every night a thank you for the privilege if being this child's mom.

There are times, even at this early age, when my daughter's soul hurts. When she cries in full real tears from a depth of loss that makes me ache. The loss she knows already only because she was gifted to me... She cried tonight, as she does at times, and it rocks me.
'Momma, you make me sad, this not my whole family - my sister too. Don't look at me.'
These words articulated from my tiny girl as she lay in bed beside me, over tired after a long day. A response when I told her - as I do daily - that I love her with all my heart. I don't know what triggered it. She probably doesn't know that - but there it is.
And as she lay sobbing by me while I rubbed her back I just kept saying I love you. Yes, she's part of your family too. I love you.
She said she was mad at me and I said that's okay because I still love you.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts for my tiny girl that's filled with loss and emotion far beyond what she should have at her age. Loss she's had since birth.
I pray for wisdom to guide her and comfort for both if us as we walk this journey of forever with the many crosses we all will carry. I pray she lets me help carry that one.

She doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow we will see her sister. This will give her joy and anxiety - and will add more confused, hurting nights to our lives. God help me to help her, guide her, and love her - to be the mother to her I know you've put me in her life to be. Help me to be kind and strong, supportive and gentle. And to show her Your love. Amen.

Gotcha Day First Anniversary

Wow a year in retrospect. I can't believe it has been a while year!! I didn't blog last year on the day of, maybe I should've forced myself to, but I just couldn't. It was so overwhelming words failed me - they still fail me. The air was sweeter, cleaner, and gravity didn't exist. I think I floated through the day on a cloud. A heavy burden of fear lifted that day and I felt so weightless. There's nothing like the fear you could lose your child; waking up with it every day is exhausting. But a year ago today, that fear went away. We sat in the courtroom, our daughter between us, surrounded by her brothers, our parents and siblings and friends and family. There were over 20 people! We had all been waiting on that glorious day!!  And in that courtroom, we said forever in front of those friends and family. And in that moment life was lighter, our hearts swelled, and the legacy of our family changed forever.

Let me tell you about my daughter. She amazes me. She came home this tiny, sick, 4lb 11oz baby girl. She captured my heart when I met her. She has grown so quickly. I wish she would slow down! Last year she toddled about; today she walks and runs with purpose as little children do. She will always be my sweet, tiny Baby Girl, but she is my little girl now.

I thank God for the daughter he blessed us with. I thank him daily for the privilege of being her mother. I ask for guidance on the road of parenthood. Mostly I ask for His protection and for His love - that it will abound and fill her so that she would truly know that she is the desire of my heart - and His.

A year has gone by since it was forever and my eyes still shine with tears of joy because the desire of my heart lay sleeping in the next room. Thank you, God, for my daughter.

Hard places

It seems we've hit one of those hard places. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Blended families are hard. Work is hard. Parenting teenagers and toddlers is hard. There is nothing easy, light, or carefree right now. What I wouldn't give for that easy going smile that gently moved from the heart to the eyes.

Even in these times where we push through it, I am thankful for my husband, my children, and our home. This week we celebrate the first anniversary of our daughter's forever with us and nothing will rain on that.

Making Easter with My Daughter

My daughter is something else! She delights and intrigues me!

This morning I was up early to get a jump start on Easter preparations for tomorrow. Then came her fast little feet down the hallway. With bright eyes and big smile she said 'Hi, Mommy!' 

She immediately became my little helper. As with anything I do with her I talked through each step as we began making homemade banana nut bread. She peeled the bananas and helped mash them. Each step I told her about the ingredients and I let her add them to the bowl. When we got to the bag of flour I got a surprise. 

I said 'now we add the flour.' She looked at me funny. She peeked in the bag before her. Then very clearly she shook her head and said 'No, Mommy.' She pointed outside. She said, 'Flower. Tree.' Then she shook her head yes at me. 

I laughed and laughed. My little girl is so smart. She listened and she understood. And in her limited vocabulary she told me I was wrong! Flour vs. flower 

She cracks me up!

On the eve of 35

It's been much too long since I made an entry here. So much happened in this last year. So much of it overwhelmed to the point I didn't know how I'd ever write it down - so I just didn't. 

I think the word that summed up the year 2013 is 'daughter'. Chris and I finalized our daughter's adoption in August. Taylor Desiree Pierce. The desire of Mommy's heart. That day will forever be amazing. Tears of joy. Laughter. Peace for the first time in a long time. God's amazing plan.

So 34 has been a good year. A GREAT year really! We have breathed deeply and fully and enjoyed every morsel of life to its fullest. I have played and laughed and watched in wonder at each passing day at her growth, her strength, her intelligence, and her beauty. I have shed a few tears watching her change from my tiny four pound baby into this tall little girl who is fearless and challenging.

I've made personal conquests too. I faced my fear of returning to work in pursuit of more than 'a job.' I've met the challenge. I've impressed my employer. I've been promoted. With each day that goes by I feel more sure of myself and my ability to lead and contribute to the organization.

I've run. I've run races. I've run for fun. I've ran when it was raining. I've ran when it was cold and I've ran in the sweltering heat of an Alabama summer. I've challenged myself. I've faced injury and I'm still in recovery, but I run. I run because I love it. I run because I compete - I compete with myself - and I always win. I am still very proud of my half marathon medal - definitely a prized item for this year - but I also already have sights on adding to what I want to be a collection. 

I've spent time with friends. Never as much as I'd like. Mostly this year has deepened existing relationships instead of adding to the mix. My friends are dear precious people - all broken in some way or another - as an I - and all striving to be better, love deeper, and give more. I am blessed by their friendships.

I have learned some things this year. Some are not pretty things though. Some are about me. Perspective. It's the truth. And it's always changing. Sometimes you can say things - you can be adamant in your conviction - you can be telling the complete truth when perspective and circumstance change. You haven't lied and you haven't changed, but the earth beyond you shifted and everything is different. 

Here's hoping that God's hand is on 35. I am looking forward to learning new things about the world - and some about me. I am looking forward to my next medal. I am looking forward to each and every day with My Baby Girl. My Taylor. And with her dad, the Love of my Life. My Christopher.

 Thank you, God, for this beautiful life I have and all your blessings I receive daily and with each breath.

Entering the final phase of Forever

We're almost there. I can't believe we're almost there! Our Baby Girl is 18months old! There were so many times I cried and my soul hurt and I feared I'd lose my child. It's not over yet, but we're so very close. TPR was completed this month and today I signed some updated paperwork so her file could officially be transferred to the adoption unit! What a breath of air that was! We were already given the okay to contact the attorney so it's all typed up and ready to be filed as soon as the adoption unit sends over some paperwork!  I just can't believe we're finally entering this final phase. I believe with all my heart God's hand has been on this from the beginning. This Momma needed a baby and that precious child needed a Momma. Now I pray for strength and guidance to be the best momma I can be for her. Baby Girl, I love you more than there are stars. 

Ready for forever.

May Days

May is well under way.  It has been full of excitement.  First, there was We Love Homewood Day.  This is the first Saturday of May every year and has become an annual tradition for our entire family to attend.  This year I entered the Homewood Spirit Scamper 5k benefiting the Homewood Marching Band and their upcoming trip to the Rose Bowl next fall.  Matt had planned to do this race too and Christian wanted to do the fun run.  Unfortunately, the weather of late has been unseasonably cool AND there was crazy rain the night before; although it was a rain or shine event, the course flooded and they cancelled the race.  Additionally they had to cancel all the day's park activities held walking distance from our home at Patriot Park.  The light at the end of the tunnel however is that the sky cleared and the city put on the annual parade and street dance.  It was perfect.  I love dancing in the street with my two loves; I love seeing my daughter dance with her daddy anywhere.

The following Saturday, May 11th was the Buck Creek Festival in Helena.  This was my first time to attend the festival though it's been going on for over a decade.  My favorite part was the rubber duck race; there was a dumpster of rubber ducks turned loose in the creek!  I loved seeing Baby Girl play in the creek water, dance by the stage, and in general frolic.

Sunday, May 12th was Mother's Day!  It was wonderful!  I went to church with my mother, then spent the rest of the day with The Loves of My Life!  We had Zoe's chicken salad as a picnic outside the zoo, followed by a wonderful zoo trip!  Baby Girl really gets excited over some of the animals and I love to see her face light up!  We ended this fun day with a trip to Steel City Pops.  This was Baby Girl's second Pops experience; she loves the strawberry!  I had the passion fruit flavor and Hubby had the peanut butter. All were phenomenal! Baby Girl even stole mine away from me so she could have both!  (I couldn't begrudge her; both is my favorite too) LOL

Thursday the 16th was supposed to be Baby Girl's TPR trial.  There was a technicality on timing however and the trial has been postponed until June 4th.  The Judge did here Baby Girl's social worker's testimony on the matter however.  The social worker resigned from DHR and was moving across the country this weekend.  All this transition makes me very uncomfortable, but I am SO thankful that she was able to testify to the details of the case before her departure.  We were able to sit in the court room this time and listen to the deposition.  While I am SO EXCITED to be moving forward to our forever in the case, it was very sad and hard to hear the "facts" of the case.  I wanted to be there in case she ever asks me about it, but I would never want to tell her what was said. 

Today, the 18th, was very busy.  It included Baby Girl shoe shopping, a birthday party, a Sam's shopping trip, and a 3mile run!  I am thoroughly worn out and will be going to sleep very soon.

Walk Me Home 2013

Yesterday I ran my second 5k. It was the Walk Me Home 2013 5k supporting foster care in the greater Birmingham area. It was great! This event is part of a national awareness and in 2012 was the largest event nationally. While that's exciting, it's also sad because there's just not enough recognition. Anyways, for me it was wonderful! I brought Baby Girl with me and Sabrina came to watch her while I ran. I ran the course at Veterans park and met my time goal! Then, Baby Girl and I put the blue ribbon symbolizing foster care on the tree together. She is my forever love, but I was thinking of Baby J too. Those two girls have forever changed our lives and I'm so thankful that we chose to walk this path. I thought of my husband too; without his openness, love, and support none of this would be. It was a beautiful morning, filled with a good cause, a good friend, and the Loves of my Life.
My time was 35minutes; down from 42minutes in February. I'm getting faster, stronger, and most definitely leaner.
Next week is the Homewood Spirit Scamper; I'm hoping to drop my time even a little more :)

A Beautiful Day in the Park

What a wonderful day we had today! Baby Girl and I visited friends at Silvertron and had some yummy french toast! We hung out with Melissa and her baby boy, Beck, at Avondale Park! She had a Long nap after that big fun! We spent our afternoon closer to home at Patriot Park where my boys joined us and some friends too!
It was just a beautiful day with my girl. Nothing more and nothing less. To others it might not even be worth writing about, but she's my world so what else would I write about?
My Girl is getting so big! She climbs to the top platform with me right behind and all by herself she gets seated and slides! She says 'weeeee' when we swing! She 'cheeses' for pictures! She's starting to wipe her own hands and she wants to put on her own shoes. I think my least favorite development, though it's completely precious and is completely selfish that it's something I don't like, is that she's putting herself to bed now. I say, 'Are you ready for night night? Do you want to get in your bed?' She toddles down the hall, paci in mouth and starts trying to pull on her crib to get in. When did she get so big?! Where is my baby I want to rock and hold close? I love her so much!!
I just can't believe how fast she's growing all the time! She changes what seems like every day! I love her snuggles; head on my shoulder and sigh of relief snuggles in mommy's arms. They are not as many as I'd like, but they are more precious than gold.
Today there was that threat looming on the edge of unrest, of drama, but I'm really proud of myself for keeping it at bay. I'm proud of myself for remembering that conversation and the ensuing promise I made to her and myself after; I am HER mommy and I will be the best one I can be. I will not let myself get distracted from that. I will continue to be me - the best me I can be - for all my children.
I love my family.

It's my birthday!

So it's my birthday today. I'm not usually overly excited about birthdays, but I have to say this has truly been the best celebratory birthday fun! My wonderful husband threw me a birthday party in the park for my friends and their children to come play. It's EXACTLY what I wanted. Not a huge fuss, not a huge mess to clean up, just hot dogs, chips, fruit and cake at the park. We slid down the slide and we took turns swinging. My Baby Girl loves the park! Big Sister and Princess P came too! My boys were there. My friends and their children were there. It was great!
So now the question begs what will the next year bring? Well, it'll bring the adoption of my daughter. It'll bring a vacation at the beach and hopefully another in the Quarter. My boys will both be in middle school. The Love of My Life will hold my hand. It'll bring another full and happy year.
A wise woman once told me their 30's were so much better than their 20's. It's so true. I love the skin I'm in. I love my 30's. I love my boys, my husband, and God knows I love that sleeping Baby Girl.

So here's to another fabulous year!

Happy birthday to me! I am so thankful for this life I'm privileged to live each day! Thankful for every breath.

I should be sleeping

I should be sleeping, but I'm up and missing my Littlest Girl. Baby J, I think of you often. I miss you always. The time you were here seems forever ago, but my heart hurts at times like you left yesterday. I miss how you smelled of Johnson's pink baby lotion. I miss how you laid warm on my chest. I miss the beautiful sound of your giggle. I miss that serious face you had so wise beyond time. I miss your sweet, gentle spirit.
Baby J, you touched my heart, my Mother's heart. I am so proud that I got to be your mommy for those first months. It was a very busy time and some nights were really rough. You were so sick when you came home. I didn't know if your toes would ever uncurl and sometimes you screamed in so much pain. There were times I cried while you cried. It was hard and it hurt me to see you so sick. It angered me too... But then you began to grow and get well. Your cute tiny toes did uncurl and you would just giggle when I kissed them.
I know you're not a tiny baby, I my heart I know, but I miss holding you. I miss the way your hair felt against my cheek. I trust you're where you're supposed to be, My Tiny One. I trust that this was The Master Plan for us both. But I hate I've missed watching you grow. I wish I could see you now. I'd love to see you toddle about and I wonder how many teeth you have? Do you love to dance and clap? What's your favorite show? I miss you. This Mommy still loves you so very much. Goodnight, Baby J. I hope I dream of holding you.

It's already March!

It never ceases to amaze me how fast time seems to slip away these days. I just want to capture each moment but they're flying by with rapid pace.

January was all in all fairly uneventful. I quit working at the restaurant after 2.5 years. It was time. I miss my friends, Marco, and the customers, but all good things come to an end. The boys got back in the groove of school. Baby Girl is off to the races now that she can walk. Sihe's getting a mouth full of teeth too!

February was busy. Every February is busy. We celebrate our anniversary, Valentine's, an My Wonderful Husband's birthday in February. We also celebrate my nephew's birthday. Throw in 3 kids and all their events and the month sails on by! The highlights included running my first 5k - The Mercedes Superhero 5k on Feb 16th. I have to say that was an awesome rush! I cannot wait to do another one! Another highlight was Valentine's day; that amazing man I married made me the most delicious vegetarian gourmet meal! It was portobello mushroom ravioli with an eggplant/goat cheese/fresh basil topping. Delicious is a sub-par word for the delicately complex flavors and textures. He doesn't cook for me often but when he does he knocks it out of the park. I'm blessed with a very thoughtful man. For our Anniversary we went on the Red Mountain zip tour! It was fun (and a little scary) but mostly it was fun. I smiled a lot and screamed like a girl a couple of times, but it was a wonderful adventure to share on a very special day. As we ate dinner as a family on our anniversary night with all three children present the noise level went up and as husband and I locked eyes we smiled - a toast to us and the blessed life we have. We also had a real date night to celebrate our anniversary. We went to GianMarco's in Homewood. It was amazing! Amazing! And Amazing!

Now we're 5 days into March. Day 1 was a very interesting interview followed by dinner with friends we hadn't seen in a while. Day two I discovered my baby is now a toddler. It seemed every time i cleaned up one mess (including applesauce in the air vent) there was another mess to clean (cup of milk from spill proof cup all over floor). Day 2 was frustrating, however Baby wasn't feeling 100% so she also spent lots of time loving on Mommy and thats the best feeling in the world! I do wish she'd have felt better though. Day 3 was a wonderful family day where Daddy and Mommy were able to focus on Baby Girl. Day 4 the boys were back home from the weekend with their mother. Today we had two social worker visits and I had a follow-up interview. Both social workers reiterated how they are just really ready for this to move forward into a TPR and adoption but the courts at slow. I dream of that day when I Can call her Forever. She is forever now though - forever my daughter and my heart. The second interview today was quite possibly the best interview I've ever been on; I think it makes a difference that I wasn't sure I wanted the job I was being interviewed for, but the company president wants to talk about another position!! Wow! Now that's what I call exciting!

Later this month I've scheduled my tattoo appointment. On Baby J's birthday I'll get my mark for her. A tattoo is a scar. She left a beautiful scar on my heart and I want everyone to see it. I miss her a lot right now. It's kind of crazy I think. She left at 4-months old and this month will mark her 1-year birthday. I haven't seen my sweet giggle monster in over 7months. I've been waking thinking of her, wondering how big she is now, does she walk or talk? I know it's because her birthday is approaching. I'm hoping the tattoo will be my little ceremony to bring some closure. I miss you still, Baby J.

Eventually I'll get my tattoo for Baby Girl on the opposite side to balance out Baby J's mark. I have in my head what I want for her, but I'm thinking around 'Gotcha Day' will be more appropriate.

I am so blessed. A mother with no children and yet I am blessed to be (step)mom to two little boys that I've had the privilege of watching grow since they were so very young, I have my daughter to be Baby Girl the Love of my Life, and I was blessed to be Baby J's mom for her first four months. I've carried none, but I have been honored to care for and love so many thus far.

Thank you God for my four children, my thoughtful giving husband, and this beautiful life you give me each day. I am astounded at your grace and mercy. I am thankful for each breath, each smile, and even for cleaning applesauce from the vent.

A Week of Running

It's now been over a week and I'm proud to report I'm still running! Now, I'll be honest, I haven't made as much progress as I'd intended.  That said, I have made progress and I've made that progress in spite of stomach virus and shoes that put my toes to sleep.  I returned the shoes and exchanged them for some Nike Pegasus running shoes. My new shoes don't make my toes go to sleep and they're super cute :)  I should be moving up to the next stage of training by the weekend!  It's slow but the weekly goals of increase actually make me feel really positive.

On a side note, today I had my first interview in YEARS!  It went well and I am excited about the prospect, but am still nervous about the coming transition.  

Gotta Run!  

Happy 2013!

Wow January 1 has arrived! It's that time of year to set goals, aspirations, hopes and dreams down for the upcoming year.

My first goal is to get more fit. I intend to start running. I love being outdoors and our neighborhood is great for walking, but that's just not enough exercise. I purchased some running shoes and have done some research on how to get started. I've even done my first day!

I aspire to do at least one 5k race this year as a result of my goal.

My second goal is to find a new day job. I have already begun sending resumes and have beefed up my wardrobe in preparation for the transition. I am a little scared about this decision, but serving tables, though I mostly enjoy it, isn't as stable an income for the shifts I'm able to work these days. If I have to be at work I'd really like to make some money.

I aspire to find a job at a larger company with growth potential.

My third goal is directly related to the second. I'd like to start a savings account and to pay down some debt. After I obtain the job I'd like to put 5-10% in savings.

Lastly, I aspire to be the best wife and mother I can be for my family.

My hopes and dreams for the year all focus on finalizing the adoption of our daughter. This matter and its timeline are completely in God's hands.

May 2013 find my friends and family happy, healthy, and prosperous and may God continue blessing our home and family.

Happy New Years!

A Year Ago Today - My Daughter Came Home

I remember last December 30th vividly.  It's my oldest son's birthday and we spent the day together, just he and I after breakfast with his dad.  Mid-afternoon I dropped him off at his grandparents and when I got back in the car Hubby was calling.  He'd gotten the call.  I returned the call and made arrangements and the next few hours seemed to fly by and lag all at the same time.

I've never given birth, but on that fateful night a year ago, I became a mom.  I was scared.  Little babies have always scared me.  I was so excited though.  It was a dream come true for a mom's heart that had no child.  Around 6pm she arrived.  My tiny 4-pound, preemie baby.  Her face was smaller than the palm of my hand.  With her came a bag of handmade blankets, booties, and hats and all of them had Jeremiah 29:11 on tags with them; there's a plan and a Master Planner.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I cried that night.  I cried for the joy I felt holding that small, unnamed "Baby Girl" and I cried for the loss she'd already experienced in her first eight days of life.  I vowed to her that night to be her mommy, for as long as they would let me and until forever.

A year later I still make this vow.  "I love you more than there are stars and longer than the sun will burn. Forever and ever." She has changed my life and my heart.  I have never been in love like this before, nor did I ever fall so quickly and wholly.  From the moment she walked into my home, she was part of my heart. 

As I watched her today, walking from room to room, pointing at balloons, and signing "more" for more bites, I marveled at her.  The wondrous "Baby Girl".  The child of my dreams and my heart.  How big and how fast she has grown.  How smart she is.  How her smile and giggle make my heart fill with a joy I cannot begin to explain.  There were so many times that I cried out in anguish and true fear, the fear of a mother to lose her child, because I didn't know we would make it this far.  Here we are though.  We've now celebrated every holiday of her first year and tomorrow, tomorrow we will celebrate the coming of our second year together. 

Tonight my husband chose "Meet the Robinsons" for us to watch.  Of course what a fitting movie and one that seems a forshadowing of all that unfolded afterwards since it's part of our history and wedding vows.  I cried through the end when he meets his family.  My Baby Girl, she's not alone.  She has a family.  And me, this woman who desired a child so very much, I have a daughter sleeping in the next room.  My mother's heart is happy and so very full. 

On this anniversary, Baby Girl, know that you were loved from the moment you walked into this home.  It is the moment you became part of my heart and that I became your mommy. Forever and ever.  I love you, sweet daughter, love of my life, desire of my heart.

Busy week with a rapidly changing Baby Girl

Wow! December has flown by and especially the last week. Baby Girl's birthday bash was on Sunday 16th and we had a great turn out of friends and family! We had 50-60 people and I think she enjoyed it very much! I have never seen a baby enjoy cake like my little one does - stuffing it in with both hands! I enjoyed catering her party and even making her 3-tiered cake!
On Monday 17th our Baby Girl began truly walking! Up until this point she'd been taking a step here and there, but now, we're off to the races! I'm so proud of the big girl she's becoming but I'm also struggling with missing my precious, tiny baby. It wasn't even a year ago she came home so tiny at 4lbs and now she's wearing 24mth sized clothes and walking! Sometimes I really just want to hold her close, but she seems to be on the constant move.
I did get just a little time to hold my sweet baby again this week. I count it as one of many Christmas gifts from God. On the night of the 20th Baby Girl wasn't sleeping well. Maybe her legs hurt from walking, maybe she was over stimulated from yet another Christmas party, I'm really not sure what was wrong. I do know at 3am she cried and would not lay back down. She insisted that I pick her up and hold her. Not only did I hold her, but I was able to cradle her in my arms like the tiny baby I held a year ago. She lay in my arms awake looking into my eyes and holding me by the shirt tightly for over an hour before her sweet, tired eyes closed. I sat not moving and enjoying the moment well past her sleeping. Prayers of thanks I whispered to God for my Baby and our moment. While holding her it crossed my heart, maybe she's missing me too while striving for her independence.
On Saturday 22nd we celebrated her birthday. Her actual birthday. I wasn't there for the first one, but another December 22nd will not pass without celebrating my girl. I found my thoughts wondering to her birth mom and I whispered thanks again that she'd left our Baby somewhere safe instead of other alternatives; I also whispered a thank you from my heart for giving me my greatest, heart-filling joy. We had cupcakes with Big Sister on the afternoon of 12/22, a fitting birthday I thought with yet another balloon because she loves them so! We had lunch at Chik-fil-a and that girl loved the classic fried chicken sandwich! All in all it was a wonderful day.
Christmas Eve was busy but ended nicely and Christmas day brought gifts from Santa for our daughter's first Christmas. She was excited about her play kitchen, hippo, Elmo, tunnel, and all the toys she received. She was also very happy to have her brother's home again on Christmas Day. Her Dad and I were very happy and content to have all three of our children home.
I can't believe this coming Sunday 30th will mark the one year anniversary of her homecoming. What a year it's been. I love her with all my heart and I am so thankful for the way she has filled my heart and our home with joy abounding.

Angel Trees

Our Baby Girl was the recipient of an Angel Tree this year. Her worker showed up this week with a bag that included 3 outfits, a pair of shoes, a pair of pajamas, and 2 very nice toys. I have done the Angel Tree before a couple of times in a prior life. I never thought I'd be the recipient of one. It resounded in my heart how important those trees really are though. Hubby and I have discussed it and this will now be one of our Christmas traditions. We are blessed with a wonderful worker who applied for Baby Girl and all 'her kids', but also with a generous benefactor who took their time and money to benefit a foster child.