Approaching age 4, my daughter is amazing in many ways. She's brilliant, athletic, and full of personality. She continues to charm the masses and the way people fall to her continues to surprise me. Adoption is beautiful. Watching this sweet baby become a girl is a gift I treasure literally every day - never forgetting parenting is a privilege not a right and not always easily come by. I pray every night a thank you for the privilege if being this child's mom.
There are times, even at this early age, when my daughter's soul hurts. When she cries in full real tears from a depth of loss that makes me ache. The loss she knows already only because she was gifted to me... She cried tonight, as she does at times, and it rocks me.
'Momma, you make me sad, this not my whole family - my sister too. Don't look at me.'
These words articulated from my tiny girl as she lay in bed beside me, over tired after a long day. A response when I told her - as I do daily - that I love her with all my heart. I don't know what triggered it. She probably doesn't know that - but there it is.
And as she lay sobbing by me while I rubbed her back I just kept saying I love you. Yes, she's part of your family too. I love you.
She said she was mad at me and I said that's okay because I still love you.
My heart hurts. My heart hurts for my tiny girl that's filled with loss and emotion far beyond what she should have at her age. Loss she's had since birth.
I pray for wisdom to guide her and comfort for both if us as we walk this journey of forever with the many crosses we all will carry. I pray she lets me help carry that one.
She doesn't know it yet, but tomorrow we will see her sister. This will give her joy and anxiety - and will add more confused, hurting nights to our lives. God help me to help her, guide her, and love her - to be the mother to her I know you've put me in her life to be. Help me to be kind and strong, supportive and gentle. And to show her Your love. Amen.