Saturday, August 11, 2012


Proverbs 16:9
In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Do you know how many times I've wondered what brought me to this place? If you knew me before 2007, you know there was a time when I had it all planned out. I hit every mark in my education just as planned, I hit the mark with work, I was accepted and enrolled in a top tier law school.
It was all so easy and all planned out. I was methodical in my achievements. It was oh so satisfying too.
Then I met the Love of my Life. I planned him out to be a summer's fun. He helped me move for school and I thought that was the end of it; it was time to focus on the next goal. That man exceeded (and still does) any expectation I ever had of what a partner would be. While our relationship thrived and flourished, my academic career was dwindling. I could have continued, but I learned something about myself: I wanted to be a child advocate and a mom, not work 90 hours a week to be an attorney.
The knowledge that I could no longer plan sent me reeling. In some ways I am a very different person. I am no longer career and academically focused. This was never in my plans.
As Hubby and I grew we decided on house and children and all those things that love plans. We briefly discussed adoption - you know, for after we have 'our children.' Biology is a funny thing. It cannot be planned either. We learned the hard way that it cannot be planned or forced.
We want to parent together. We want the beauty of small children in our home. We begin to research adoption and the many options available. We decide on foster for a number of reasons. Everything falls in to place just like that.
Then we wait. Wait. Wait. Then our daughter comes home. Everything seems perfect. Everything seems meant to be. Then our littlest one arrives, but she's much more complicated. We have brief discussions of what if. Then our tiny one leaves and we are again reeling. The phone call comes that there are threats to our meant to be.
We are waiting. We tried planning. We tried being proactive. All responses are wait.
This is the hardest thing. I am a planner. I am proactive. I am currently completely helpless. I trust there IS a plan and I am waiting on it for my next steps.

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