Friday, August 31, 2012

I pray

People tell me I should pray about what's happening with Baby Girl. It always surprises me. Do they think I don't pray? How would I get through each day? How would she have gotten here at all?

I pray every day. I have been praying for years now. I prayed for a beautiful baby girl for my husband and I to parent together. I prayed specifically for Trinity, the one who would complete us. She would be a beautiful mix of us both with dark wavy hair, bright eyes, big spirit, and his intellect. Trinity never came though I cried out in anguish. I still think God heard me though because he's answered me.
Baby Girl and Baby J, maybe others later, these are my daughters. They are the perfect answer to imperfect prayer. Baby Girl, my first girl, she is more real and more satisfying than anything I envisioned of what 'our child' would be. She is full of life and spirit. I thank God for her continually for she fills the hole in my Mother's heart. She is the answer to many tearful cries. She is beautiful and more perfect than any prayer I made for her.
I still pray. Everyday I pray. I pray thanks for the blessing that she is. I pray for the strength and courage to be her mom, to be her advocate, to be her voice. I pray for her protection. I pray that no matter His plan and the path that is before us that she'll know she was loved even before first sight.
I am human though and while I try to be strong through this, sometimes I am weak, and then I pray, if there is any way please Dear God let her stay. The only answer I hear is 'Be still.' I don't know what comes but I am most certainly praying.

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