I should be sleeping, but I'm up and missing my Littlest Girl. Baby J, I think of you often. I miss you always. The time you were here seems forever ago, but my heart hurts at times like you left yesterday. I miss how you smelled of Johnson's pink baby lotion. I miss how you laid warm on my chest. I miss the beautiful sound of your giggle. I miss that serious face you had so wise beyond time. I miss your sweet, gentle spirit.
Baby J, you touched my heart, my Mother's heart. I am so proud that I got to be your mommy for those first months. It was a very busy time and some nights were really rough. You were so sick when you came home. I didn't know if your toes would ever uncurl and sometimes you screamed in so much pain. There were times I cried while you cried. It was hard and it hurt me to see you so sick. It angered me too... But then you began to grow and get well. Your cute tiny toes did uncurl and you would just giggle when I kissed them.
I know you're not a tiny baby, I my heart I know, but I miss holding you. I miss the way your hair felt against my cheek. I trust you're where you're supposed to be, My Tiny One. I trust that this was The Master Plan for us both. But I hate I've missed watching you grow. I wish I could see you now. I'd love to see you toddle about and I wonder how many teeth you have? Do you love to dance and clap? What's your favorite show? I miss you. This Mommy still loves you so very much. Goodnight, Baby J. I hope I dream of holding you.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
It's already March!
It never ceases to amaze me how fast time seems to slip away these days. I just want to capture each moment but they're flying by with rapid pace.
January was all in all fairly uneventful. I quit working at the restaurant after 2.5 years. It was time. I miss my friends, Marco, and the customers, but all good things come to an end. The boys got back in the groove of school. Baby Girl is off to the races now that she can walk. Sihe's getting a mouth full of teeth too!
February was busy. Every February is busy. We celebrate our anniversary, Valentine's, an My Wonderful Husband's birthday in February. We also celebrate my nephew's birthday. Throw in 3 kids and all their events and the month sails on by! The highlights included running my first 5k - The Mercedes Superhero 5k on Feb 16th. I have to say that was an awesome rush! I cannot wait to do another one! Another highlight was Valentine's day; that amazing man I married made me the most delicious vegetarian gourmet meal! It was portobello mushroom ravioli with an eggplant/goat cheese/fresh basil topping. Delicious is a sub-par word for the delicately complex flavors and textures. He doesn't cook for me often but when he does he knocks it out of the park. I'm blessed with a very thoughtful man. For our Anniversary we went on the Red Mountain zip tour! It was fun (and a little scary) but mostly it was fun. I smiled a lot and screamed like a girl a couple of times, but it was a wonderful adventure to share on a very special day. As we ate dinner as a family on our anniversary night with all three children present the noise level went up and as husband and I locked eyes we smiled - a toast to us and the blessed life we have. We also had a real date night to celebrate our anniversary. We went to GianMarco's in Homewood. It was amazing! Amazing! And Amazing!
Now we're 5 days into March. Day 1 was a very interesting interview followed by dinner with friends we hadn't seen in a while. Day two I discovered my baby is now a toddler. It seemed every time i cleaned up one mess (including applesauce in the air vent) there was another mess to clean (cup of milk from spill proof cup all over floor). Day 2 was frustrating, however Baby wasn't feeling 100% so she also spent lots of time loving on Mommy and thats the best feeling in the world! I do wish she'd have felt better though. Day 3 was a wonderful family day where Daddy and Mommy were able to focus on Baby Girl. Day 4 the boys were back home from the weekend with their mother. Today we had two social worker visits and I had a follow-up interview. Both social workers reiterated how they are just really ready for this to move forward into a TPR and adoption but the courts at slow. I dream of that day when I Can call her Forever. She is forever now though - forever my daughter and my heart. The second interview today was quite possibly the best interview I've ever been on; I think it makes a difference that I wasn't sure I wanted the job I was being interviewed for, but the company president wants to talk about another position!! Wow! Now that's what I call exciting!
Later this month I've scheduled my tattoo appointment. On Baby J's birthday I'll get my mark for her. A tattoo is a scar. She left a beautiful scar on my heart and I want everyone to see it. I miss her a lot right now. It's kind of crazy I think. She left at 4-months old and this month will mark her 1-year birthday. I haven't seen my sweet giggle monster in over 7months. I've been waking thinking of her, wondering how big she is now, does she walk or talk? I know it's because her birthday is approaching. I'm hoping the tattoo will be my little ceremony to bring some closure. I miss you still, Baby J.
Eventually I'll get my tattoo for Baby Girl on the opposite side to balance out Baby J's mark. I have in my head what I want for her, but I'm thinking around 'Gotcha Day' will be more appropriate.
I am so blessed. A mother with no children and yet I am blessed to be (step)mom to two little boys that I've had the privilege of watching grow since they were so very young, I have my daughter to be Baby Girl the Love of my Life, and I was blessed to be Baby J's mom for her first four months. I've carried none, but I have been honored to care for and love so many thus far.
Thank you God for my four children, my thoughtful giving husband, and this beautiful life you give me each day. I am astounded at your grace and mercy. I am thankful for each breath, each smile, and even for cleaning applesauce from the vent.
January was all in all fairly uneventful. I quit working at the restaurant after 2.5 years. It was time. I miss my friends, Marco, and the customers, but all good things come to an end. The boys got back in the groove of school. Baby Girl is off to the races now that she can walk. Sihe's getting a mouth full of teeth too!
February was busy. Every February is busy. We celebrate our anniversary, Valentine's, an My Wonderful Husband's birthday in February. We also celebrate my nephew's birthday. Throw in 3 kids and all their events and the month sails on by! The highlights included running my first 5k - The Mercedes Superhero 5k on Feb 16th. I have to say that was an awesome rush! I cannot wait to do another one! Another highlight was Valentine's day; that amazing man I married made me the most delicious vegetarian gourmet meal! It was portobello mushroom ravioli with an eggplant/goat cheese/fresh basil topping. Delicious is a sub-par word for the delicately complex flavors and textures. He doesn't cook for me often but when he does he knocks it out of the park. I'm blessed with a very thoughtful man. For our Anniversary we went on the Red Mountain zip tour! It was fun (and a little scary) but mostly it was fun. I smiled a lot and screamed like a girl a couple of times, but it was a wonderful adventure to share on a very special day. As we ate dinner as a family on our anniversary night with all three children present the noise level went up and as husband and I locked eyes we smiled - a toast to us and the blessed life we have. We also had a real date night to celebrate our anniversary. We went to GianMarco's in Homewood. It was amazing! Amazing! And Amazing!
Now we're 5 days into March. Day 1 was a very interesting interview followed by dinner with friends we hadn't seen in a while. Day two I discovered my baby is now a toddler. It seemed every time i cleaned up one mess (including applesauce in the air vent) there was another mess to clean (cup of milk from spill proof cup all over floor). Day 2 was frustrating, however Baby wasn't feeling 100% so she also spent lots of time loving on Mommy and thats the best feeling in the world! I do wish she'd have felt better though. Day 3 was a wonderful family day where Daddy and Mommy were able to focus on Baby Girl. Day 4 the boys were back home from the weekend with their mother. Today we had two social worker visits and I had a follow-up interview. Both social workers reiterated how they are just really ready for this to move forward into a TPR and adoption but the courts at slow. I dream of that day when I Can call her Forever. She is forever now though - forever my daughter and my heart. The second interview today was quite possibly the best interview I've ever been on; I think it makes a difference that I wasn't sure I wanted the job I was being interviewed for, but the company president wants to talk about another position!! Wow! Now that's what I call exciting!
Later this month I've scheduled my tattoo appointment. On Baby J's birthday I'll get my mark for her. A tattoo is a scar. She left a beautiful scar on my heart and I want everyone to see it. I miss her a lot right now. It's kind of crazy I think. She left at 4-months old and this month will mark her 1-year birthday. I haven't seen my sweet giggle monster in over 7months. I've been waking thinking of her, wondering how big she is now, does she walk or talk? I know it's because her birthday is approaching. I'm hoping the tattoo will be my little ceremony to bring some closure. I miss you still, Baby J.
Eventually I'll get my tattoo for Baby Girl on the opposite side to balance out Baby J's mark. I have in my head what I want for her, but I'm thinking around 'Gotcha Day' will be more appropriate.
I am so blessed. A mother with no children and yet I am blessed to be (step)mom to two little boys that I've had the privilege of watching grow since they were so very young, I have my daughter to be Baby Girl the Love of my Life, and I was blessed to be Baby J's mom for her first four months. I've carried none, but I have been honored to care for and love so many thus far.
Thank you God for my four children, my thoughtful giving husband, and this beautiful life you give me each day. I am astounded at your grace and mercy. I am thankful for each breath, each smile, and even for cleaning applesauce from the vent.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
A Week of Running
It's now been over a week and I'm proud to report I'm still running! Now, I'll be honest, I haven't made as much progress as I'd intended. That said, I have made progress and I've made that progress in spite of stomach virus and shoes that put my toes to sleep. I returned the shoes and exchanged them for some Nike Pegasus running shoes. My new shoes don't make my toes go to sleep and they're super cute :) I should be moving up to the next stage of training by the weekend! It's slow but the weekly goals of increase actually make me feel really positive.
On a side note, today I had my first interview in YEARS! It went well and I am excited about the prospect, but am still nervous about the coming transition.
Gotta Run!
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy 2013!
Wow January 1 has arrived! It's that time of year to set goals, aspirations, hopes and dreams down for the upcoming year.
My first goal is to get more fit. I intend to start running. I love being outdoors and our neighborhood is great for walking, but that's just not enough exercise. I purchased some running shoes and have done some research on how to get started. I've even done my first day!
I aspire to do at least one 5k race this year as a result of my goal.
My second goal is to find a new day job. I have already begun sending resumes and have beefed up my wardrobe in preparation for the transition. I am a little scared about this decision, but serving tables, though I mostly enjoy it, isn't as stable an income for the shifts I'm able to work these days. If I have to be at work I'd really like to make some money.
I aspire to find a job at a larger company with growth potential.
My third goal is directly related to the second. I'd like to start a savings account and to pay down some debt. After I obtain the job I'd like to put 5-10% in savings.
Lastly, I aspire to be the best wife and mother I can be for my family.
My hopes and dreams for the year all focus on finalizing the adoption of our daughter. This matter and its timeline are completely in God's hands.
May 2013 find my friends and family happy, healthy, and prosperous and may God continue blessing our home and family.
Happy New Years!
My first goal is to get more fit. I intend to start running. I love being outdoors and our neighborhood is great for walking, but that's just not enough exercise. I purchased some running shoes and have done some research on how to get started. I've even done my first day!
I aspire to do at least one 5k race this year as a result of my goal.
My second goal is to find a new day job. I have already begun sending resumes and have beefed up my wardrobe in preparation for the transition. I am a little scared about this decision, but serving tables, though I mostly enjoy it, isn't as stable an income for the shifts I'm able to work these days. If I have to be at work I'd really like to make some money.
I aspire to find a job at a larger company with growth potential.
My third goal is directly related to the second. I'd like to start a savings account and to pay down some debt. After I obtain the job I'd like to put 5-10% in savings.
Lastly, I aspire to be the best wife and mother I can be for my family.
My hopes and dreams for the year all focus on finalizing the adoption of our daughter. This matter and its timeline are completely in God's hands.
May 2013 find my friends and family happy, healthy, and prosperous and may God continue blessing our home and family.
Happy New Years!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
A Year Ago Today - My Daughter Came Home
I remember last December 30th vividly. It's my oldest son's birthday and we spent the day together, just he and I after breakfast with his dad. Mid-afternoon I dropped him off at his grandparents and when I got back in the car Hubby was calling. He'd gotten the call. I returned the call and made arrangements and the next few hours seemed to fly by and lag all at the same time.
I've never given birth, but on that fateful night a year ago, I became a mom. I was scared. Little babies have always scared me. I was so excited though. It was a dream come true for a mom's heart that had no child. Around 6pm she arrived. My tiny 4-pound, preemie baby. Her face was smaller than the palm of my hand. With her came a bag of handmade blankets, booties, and hats and all of them had Jeremiah 29:11 on tags with them; there's a plan and a Master Planner.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I cried that night. I cried for the joy I felt holding that small, unnamed "Baby Girl" and I cried for the loss she'd already experienced in her first eight days of life. I vowed to her that night to be her mommy, for as long as they would let me and until forever.
A year later I still make this vow. "I love you more than there are stars and longer than the sun will burn. Forever and ever." She has changed my life and my heart. I have never been in love like this before, nor did I ever fall so quickly and wholly. From the moment she walked into my home, she was part of my heart.
As I watched her today, walking from room to room, pointing at balloons, and signing "more" for more bites, I marveled at her. The wondrous "Baby Girl". The child of my dreams and my heart. How big and how fast she has grown. How smart she is. How her smile and giggle make my heart fill with a joy I cannot begin to explain. There were so many times that I cried out in anguish and true fear, the fear of a mother to lose her child, because I didn't know we would make it this far. Here we are though. We've now celebrated every holiday of her first year and tomorrow, tomorrow we will celebrate the coming of our second year together.
Tonight my husband chose "Meet the Robinsons" for us to watch. Of course what a fitting movie and one that seems a forshadowing of all that unfolded afterwards since it's part of our history and wedding vows. I cried through the end when he meets his family. My Baby Girl, she's not alone. She has a family. And me, this woman who desired a child so very much, I have a daughter sleeping in the next room. My mother's heart is happy and so very full.
On this anniversary, Baby Girl, know that you were loved from the moment you walked into this home. It is the moment you became part of my heart and that I became your mommy. Forever and ever. I love you, sweet daughter, love of my life, desire of my heart.
I've never given birth, but on that fateful night a year ago, I became a mom. I was scared. Little babies have always scared me. I was so excited though. It was a dream come true for a mom's heart that had no child. Around 6pm she arrived. My tiny 4-pound, preemie baby. Her face was smaller than the palm of my hand. With her came a bag of handmade blankets, booties, and hats and all of them had Jeremiah 29:11 on tags with them; there's a plan and a Master Planner.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I cried that night. I cried for the joy I felt holding that small, unnamed "Baby Girl" and I cried for the loss she'd already experienced in her first eight days of life. I vowed to her that night to be her mommy, for as long as they would let me and until forever.
A year later I still make this vow. "I love you more than there are stars and longer than the sun will burn. Forever and ever." She has changed my life and my heart. I have never been in love like this before, nor did I ever fall so quickly and wholly. From the moment she walked into my home, she was part of my heart.
As I watched her today, walking from room to room, pointing at balloons, and signing "more" for more bites, I marveled at her. The wondrous "Baby Girl". The child of my dreams and my heart. How big and how fast she has grown. How smart she is. How her smile and giggle make my heart fill with a joy I cannot begin to explain. There were so many times that I cried out in anguish and true fear, the fear of a mother to lose her child, because I didn't know we would make it this far. Here we are though. We've now celebrated every holiday of her first year and tomorrow, tomorrow we will celebrate the coming of our second year together.
Tonight my husband chose "Meet the Robinsons" for us to watch. Of course what a fitting movie and one that seems a forshadowing of all that unfolded afterwards since it's part of our history and wedding vows. I cried through the end when he meets his family. My Baby Girl, she's not alone. She has a family. And me, this woman who desired a child so very much, I have a daughter sleeping in the next room. My mother's heart is happy and so very full.
On this anniversary, Baby Girl, know that you were loved from the moment you walked into this home. It is the moment you became part of my heart and that I became your mommy. Forever and ever. I love you, sweet daughter, love of my life, desire of my heart.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Busy week with a rapidly changing Baby Girl
Wow! December has flown by and especially the last week. Baby Girl's birthday bash was on Sunday 16th and we had a great turn out of friends and family! We had 50-60 people and I think she enjoyed it very much! I have never seen a baby enjoy cake like my little one does - stuffing it in with both hands! I enjoyed catering her party and even making her 3-tiered cake!
On Monday 17th our Baby Girl began truly walking! Up until this point she'd been taking a step here and there, but now, we're off to the races! I'm so proud of the big girl she's becoming but I'm also struggling with missing my precious, tiny baby. It wasn't even a year ago she came home so tiny at 4lbs and now she's wearing 24mth sized clothes and walking! Sometimes I really just want to hold her close, but she seems to be on the constant move.
I did get just a little time to hold my sweet baby again this week. I count it as one of many Christmas gifts from God. On the night of the 20th Baby Girl wasn't sleeping well. Maybe her legs hurt from walking, maybe she was over stimulated from yet another Christmas party, I'm really not sure what was wrong. I do know at 3am she cried and would not lay back down. She insisted that I pick her up and hold her. Not only did I hold her, but I was able to cradle her in my arms like the tiny baby I held a year ago. She lay in my arms awake looking into my eyes and holding me by the shirt tightly for over an hour before her sweet, tired eyes closed. I sat not moving and enjoying the moment well past her sleeping. Prayers of thanks I whispered to God for my Baby and our moment. While holding her it crossed my heart, maybe she's missing me too while striving for her independence.
On Saturday 22nd we celebrated her birthday. Her actual birthday. I wasn't there for the first one, but another December 22nd will not pass without celebrating my girl. I found my thoughts wondering to her birth mom and I whispered thanks again that she'd left our Baby somewhere safe instead of other alternatives; I also whispered a thank you from my heart for giving me my greatest, heart-filling joy. We had cupcakes with Big Sister on the afternoon of 12/22, a fitting birthday I thought with yet another balloon because she loves them so! We had lunch at Chik-fil-a and that girl loved the classic fried chicken sandwich! All in all it was a wonderful day.
Christmas Eve was busy but ended nicely and Christmas day brought gifts from Santa for our daughter's first Christmas. She was excited about her play kitchen, hippo, Elmo, tunnel, and all the toys she received. She was also very happy to have her brother's home again on Christmas Day. Her Dad and I were very happy and content to have all three of our children home.
I can't believe this coming Sunday 30th will mark the one year anniversary of her homecoming. What a year it's been. I love her with all my heart and I am so thankful for the way she has filled my heart and our home with joy abounding.
On Monday 17th our Baby Girl began truly walking! Up until this point she'd been taking a step here and there, but now, we're off to the races! I'm so proud of the big girl she's becoming but I'm also struggling with missing my precious, tiny baby. It wasn't even a year ago she came home so tiny at 4lbs and now she's wearing 24mth sized clothes and walking! Sometimes I really just want to hold her close, but she seems to be on the constant move.
I did get just a little time to hold my sweet baby again this week. I count it as one of many Christmas gifts from God. On the night of the 20th Baby Girl wasn't sleeping well. Maybe her legs hurt from walking, maybe she was over stimulated from yet another Christmas party, I'm really not sure what was wrong. I do know at 3am she cried and would not lay back down. She insisted that I pick her up and hold her. Not only did I hold her, but I was able to cradle her in my arms like the tiny baby I held a year ago. She lay in my arms awake looking into my eyes and holding me by the shirt tightly for over an hour before her sweet, tired eyes closed. I sat not moving and enjoying the moment well past her sleeping. Prayers of thanks I whispered to God for my Baby and our moment. While holding her it crossed my heart, maybe she's missing me too while striving for her independence.
On Saturday 22nd we celebrated her birthday. Her actual birthday. I wasn't there for the first one, but another December 22nd will not pass without celebrating my girl. I found my thoughts wondering to her birth mom and I whispered thanks again that she'd left our Baby somewhere safe instead of other alternatives; I also whispered a thank you from my heart for giving me my greatest, heart-filling joy. We had cupcakes with Big Sister on the afternoon of 12/22, a fitting birthday I thought with yet another balloon because she loves them so! We had lunch at Chik-fil-a and that girl loved the classic fried chicken sandwich! All in all it was a wonderful day.
Christmas Eve was busy but ended nicely and Christmas day brought gifts from Santa for our daughter's first Christmas. She was excited about her play kitchen, hippo, Elmo, tunnel, and all the toys she received. She was also very happy to have her brother's home again on Christmas Day. Her Dad and I were very happy and content to have all three of our children home.
I can't believe this coming Sunday 30th will mark the one year anniversary of her homecoming. What a year it's been. I love her with all my heart and I am so thankful for the way she has filled my heart and our home with joy abounding.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Angel Trees
Our Baby Girl was the recipient of an Angel Tree this year. Her worker showed up this week with a bag that included 3 outfits, a pair of shoes, a pair of pajamas, and 2 very nice toys. I have done the Angel Tree before a couple of times in a prior life. I never thought I'd be the recipient of one. It resounded in my heart how important those trees really are though. Hubby and I have discussed it and this will now be one of our Christmas traditions. We are blessed with a wonderful worker who applied for Baby Girl and all 'her kids', but also with a generous benefactor who took their time and money to benefit a foster child.
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